Who Will I Be?

I had a trippy thought today.

I was looking at before & after pictures of people who have had bariatric surgery and lost 100+ pounds and I thought, hmmm, that's who they really are as I looked at their thin pictures.

Then I realized that I don't know who I really am.

Some people know their thin selves, as they b

ecame overweight in adulthood. They know what they're travelling back to. But I've never been thin. I was always an over weight child who grew into a morbidly obese adult. I've never seen my "thin self." Ever. I hope I have a "thin self!"

And of course, there's the inner self that goes along with the thin self that will also be different...it has to be different. Living inside of a body you like (finally) has to make your inside self different.

I'm on a journey to someone I've never met.

Trippy.

Change is Coming

Change is coming and I am excited. And scared. I've decided to pursue bariatric surgery in order to get rid of most (if not all) of my excess weight. We're talking a potential weight loss of 150 pounds...more than half my current body weight. With surgery, a lot of it will come off very quickly. Very quickly. I'm going to start counseling with a woman Pam Blum that several members of our family have counselled with. She's great and I already know her, so that makes me feel safe.

Why changing my physical appearnce makes me start looking at various areas of my life is interesting to me. Maybe because things are going to change...radically...and I want to be able to look back on each area for answers to how I got to where I am at so that I never go there again. The surgery will make it nearly impossible for me to get back to where I had been because my stomach pouch will nearly be the size of a small egg...and my intestines will have been re-worked so that much of it is bypassed (hence gastric "bypass") and fewer calories (and nutrients), making it impossible to absorb much of what I eat.

Why such a radical decision? Well, I finally faced reality and since I've been overweight since well, as long as I can remember it became very clear to me that dieting is not the method for me. I've dieted on Atkins, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, low fat, high fat, low carb, high carb, fasting, etc., and yes the weight comes off...but it comes right back on, too. So my pursuing a physical deterrent (egg-sized stomach pouch), I will be forced to eat less and also forced to face whatever issues arise in my life (present or past) that cause me to want to shove food into my mouth. Should be an interesting journey.

I anticipate some profound thoughts and realizations to come up regaring myself, my parents, my friends and society in general as I embark on my journey to thinness and I want to document those as much as I can.

I think the thing that pushed me to the edge is after buying our new home (not "new" but "new" to us) I'm just exhausted physically and I want to be able to keep up with life and all of the things it has to offer me. I am tired of the physical barriers I experience because my body is huge. I'm going to be 50 in 12 months. I'd like to live the last half of my life in a body that helps me to be who I really am. So in shedding pounds, I'll also be shedding emotional issues.

On Fri Jan 5 I meet my surgeon. He is world known and directs the bariatric surgery department at Mills Peninsula Hospital, a center of excellence for bariatric surgery. They even have a bariatric wing. Gaurantees the gowns and bathrooms will be large enough for an obese person! Ha!

I also have to meet with a nutritionist who will go over the diet I will have for the rest of my life. I have a good friend whose had this surgery by the same surgeon, so I've got an idea of what it's going to be like.

So the journey is about to begin. In fact, I'm supposed to start eating differently now so as to weigh less at surgery and make my liver shrink so that laparascopic surgery has a better chance of occurring as opposed to open surgery. That means 2 weeks off work versus 4-5 weeks. Hmm. I could get a lot done at home in 6 weeks.

I'm studying the South Beach diet now because it sounds like a great diet and one similar to what I'd be on post-surgery.

More later!

A Journey

It's been several months...maybe even years, since I started my rest from church, partly due to the incessant expectation that one's spiritual journey required the addition of church related extra-curricular activities to my already busy life.

Recently, I've started attending an Episcopalian Church. It's not a mainstream Episcopalian church by any means. It's not a mainstream church, period. It embraces homosexuals. It embraces all people who are on a spiritual journey, desiring to be a safe place for that search. Perhaps it is the best place for me right now where I'm at spiritually. On a journey.

Another reason I left the mainstream church is feeling like I was told who to "hate."

One of the things that's disturbing to me, now standing outside of the mainstream church and its beliefs, is the passion with which some mainstream christians seem to fervently dislike (=hate) homosexuals.

Disclaimer: When I refer to homosexuals, I am referring to two persons
of the same sex who are in a committed monogomous relationship with
each other.

Taken one step further, it's the generic act of elevating one sin over another as the chosen sin to hate that irks me. I wonder if the mainstream church knows (or cares) that it has segregated an entire segment of people who love God?

Have I hesitated to bring to church a gay friend who is open to knowing God for fear that they'd sense that judgement or hatred? Of course. Heck, sometimes we Christians do a good enough job of making people feel badly (or at least self-conscious) about their sin that the Holy Spirit doesn't have a chance to start working on their hearts.

Anti-homosexuality-ism was present in my 25+ years' experience as a "born again" Christian, so much so that when I look at my new "Pastor" (called "Vicar" in the Episcopalian church), I find myself saying silently, "oh, she's gay!" (not even, "oh, she's a woman!") Or about "that" lesbian couple at church on Sunday, "oh, they're lesbians." It's like they were lepers.

And (THIS IS MOST IMPORTANTLY) why do I never think, "Oh, he's the gossiper!" "Oh, there's that shoplifter!" "Oh, she's the one who masturbates!" "I wonder what sin he's hiding!"

So does God hate homosexuals so much more than he hates gossipers or adulterers or lusters or shoplifters, that that gives us license to judge the homosexuals? No.

I just don't get it. And I'm not saying that homosexuality is "right." I still don't know. I do know I do not hate gay people, even though my religious upbringing has told me that they are not normal. How often have I heard the phrase, "hate the sin, but love the sinner."

And in fact, the phrase exists because we do tend to WANT to hate the sinner! Really we do. I want to hate child molesters. I want to hate alcoholics, especially if they beat their spouse in the midst of a huge drinking binge. I really want to hate someone who tells lies about me or gossips about me (and I admit it...I don't hate them if they gossip or lie about someone else!).

Somehow, there may a different effect depending on the particular sin involved. It may be more difficult to love the sinner if he/she happens to be a homosexual. Doctrine and church leader opinions have been written about homosexuals and their non-role in the church for decades. Somehow, the fact that doctrine and opinions are abundant on this particular topic -- and much less abundant on other sins -- seems to elevate homosexuality as something more "worthy" of such doctrine and opinion.

And the phrase, "hate the sin, love the sinner," has somehow been adapted to the particular sin or sinner, as we see a singling out of homosexuals as opposed to singling out of other sinners such as gossipers, molesters, etc., to the same extent that we love those who have other sins because we have put qualifications on where they can minister or worship that we've simply never (or rarely) put on other types of sinners. Perhaps "hate the sin, love the sinner (except for the homosexual)" would be more accurate.

Somehow, separating the perceived sin of homosexuality from the homosexual is difficult for us to do, as evidenced in our separation of the homosexual from our mainstream churches because of their homosexuality.

Jesus said you are just as guilty of murder when you just think about hating someone! Ouch!

All of these sinners are allowed to fellowship with us in mainstream christianity because, after all, they are not their sin. And heck, several sins are concealable so that no one gets in trouble as long as no one finds out! I admit have my hidden sins...and my not-so-hidden ones.

So where do we get off labeling homosexuality as the one great big bad sin of all sins that prohibits someone from ministry or deserving of our judgement?

I noticed from Sunday's sermon that Jesus talked about doing whatever you need to do in order to make sure you get to heaven:

• Mark 9:43-47 If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.[a] 45And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell.[b] 47And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. (NIV)

Take home point: You are responsible for how your own sin takes you away from God...and dealing with it (and usually, in a fairly radical way). But do we see these remedies preached to the mainstream of us who manifest these sins? We are quite good at pointing out someone else's sin that we think will keep them out of heaven...and then telling them what they need to do about it!

Have we somehow classifed various sins in their offense towards man? To God, they're all 100% nauseating. And for those who believe that homosexuality is a sin, they would agree it's 100% nauseating to God. But would they apply the same fervor towards all the other sins? Especially, to their own?

A theory: The Church has traditionally been dominated by men. Straight men naturally hate it when men make a pass at them. Since there are more straight men than gay men who make rules...especially in "the church," the straight men's rules are what dominate.

And interestingly, the men in power being part of the brotherhood of all men didn't necessarily excommunicate their gay brothers from the church. Instead, we see an acceptable mode of existence for gay men in the "straight man's" church. It's labeled spiritually as "a Godly calling" of being a monk or priest or nun or sister. They are looked at as holy in their renunciation of all things sexual...when in actuality, we know that some priests can have a fairly active gay lifestyle with other men and/or boys. And I'm sure it extends to some of the women and lesbian relationships. (and I am not saying ALL priests or nuns are gay...it's just a safer place for gay men and women who desire to follow God and not "get discovered.")

And to further bolster the theory that the REAL PROBLEM is not someone's acting out on their gayness in general...the REAL PROBLEM is acting out one's gayness in a way that threats heterosexual males.

Why would I hypothesize this? Well, it seems from reports in the media that the Catholic church has a history of hiding the homosexual sins of its priests. Reports of priests molesting young boys which manage to leak out of the Catholic church are met with the stunning revelation that this has been going on for a long time and that the straight men in power have overlooked it...

WHY???????????

Perhaps because the homosexual activity wasn't directed at them, the straight men.

Now, wouldn't you think that if the straight men in the Catholic church really believed that homosexuality was as bad as they make it out to be, they'd take a more rasher action than simply paying off the family of the molested child and then moving the priest to a different parish.

We hate to be lied to. But do the men in power demand that tounges be cut out? No. Why?

We hate gossip. But gossip doesn't challenge masculinity, so gossipers aren't de-tounged. Why?
It is all so puzzling how man's beliefs, attitudes, fears, etc., have driven the "rules" of the church and people have accepted them as gospel for centuries. My oh, my.

So after all of this rambling (if you've made it this far) what I am saying is that homosexuality has risen above the other sins as being the most dreadful for Christians to have to deal with because the men that have led the church for eons were/are not comforatable having gay men in their midst for fear of getting "hit on." So, some have neatly created priesthoods for the gay believers to go into, which comes with a vow of celibacy and thus, protects the heterosexual men in leadership from having to deal with it. They don't really hate the sinner (the homosexual)...otherwise the wouldn't have given them a station in the church (the priesthood) from which to pursue/serve God.

Perhaps it is time for me to re-read the scriptures for myself and see what is really said about all this hatred that I feel the church seems to preach and what my response is to be. Even if the object of their hatred is "worth hating," I think we're supposed to leave the hating up to God. Really, only He is able to love the sinner and hate the sin...and extract the spirit of the sinner from the effects of sin.

New Media Target: Overweight Children

I was an overweight child. I am an overweight adult.

I am amazed at how politically correct it has become to comment publicly on how fat a child is. The new "childhood obesity" campaign is simply a resurrection of the anti-smoking, anti-hydrogenated oils, anti-whatever public campaigns aimed at specific groups of people for various reasons.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not against children having healthy weights. In fact, I wish I had been blessed with a healthy weight as a child. What I am against is the ignorance of the media towards overweight children and the perpetuation of persecution of overweight kids -- only now liberated from the school yard and placed on television, in magazines, on the internet -- under the guise that there is a concern for getting kids to eat healthier, to increase activity.

I am a survivor of childhood bullying aimed at my "less than human-ness" because I was overweight. My earliest memories of my station among peers was in second grade when some older boys playing tether ball after school one day elected to elighten me to the fact that I was different from everyone else because I was a fat kid.

There is a television commercial now that shows a mother who is busy about her day, tossing a cookie into the mouth of her overweight son every time he tries to show her something he made at school or tells her he finished a chore. In fact, to emphasize the source of the boy's fatness, the commercial soon degrades the mother to where she simply throws cookies into the boy's mouth whenever he walks into the room.

Just like in the schoolyard, commercial producers and anti-obesity campaign directors continue the bullying of fat children, pointing them out as schoolyard freaks who need to change. Only now, they make money from it.

What strikes me is that these adults are the very same kids (only now grown up) who played on the schoolyards when I was in second grade, who taunted me and all the other fat girls and boys who accepted me as their playmate. Only today, they have the political license to make degrading commercials such as the one I described above.

Some people also want to blame the schools for making "unhealthy" food available to children. To correct their erroneous ways, vending machines with sugary drinks and snacks have been restocked with "healtier" alternatives. I find it interesting that some middle school children have elected to smoke cigarettes even though there are no cigarette vending machines are allowed on campus. Hmmmm.

Yahoo news recently published an article that described a study that looked at parenting styles and childhood obesity (http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20060606/hl_hsn/strictparentingcanproduceoverweightkids). The conclusion was that children raised by authoritarian parents (versus authoritative, permissive, and neglectful parents) were more likely to be overweight than those reaised under the other three parenting styles.

I think this points to something greater than vending machines stuffed with sugary treats lining middle school hallways (by the way, I wonder how much $ the school districts gleened from those vending sales!?) or the mother who throws treats to her obese child. That "something greater" is what I live out every day of my life.

Starting

I have a long-time desire to publish a written work, either a novel or poetry or well, anything. Problem is, I just can't get started. I know, I should sit and write daily regardless of what comes out. Problem really is, I think I'm afraid that what comes out won't be perfect the first time.

Crazy, I know, because it won't come out perfect. I just need to dive in and do it. I've done enough self-reflection over the years to realize the root of my fear:

My mom picked me up from kindergarten one day and she praised a picture of a snowman I'd drawn. She said, "Why don't you show Daddy?"

So when we got home, I proudly marched up to my father who was sitting in his avocado-green leatherette chair and proudly whipped my out my 17"x11" manilla colored paper depicting a wintertime landscape of snowflakes falling on a snowman.

"That's not what snowflakes look like," he said, analyzing the white circles I'd painstakingly spaced equally across the winter sky with a white Crayola crayon.

...and that's all I remember of that moment.

I think the trauma of the situation has stifled my ability to create, for fear that the first iteration of whatever it is, will not be perfect. I've created lovely paintings inside of my head, and written musicals and novels in my mind...all to be admired and enjoyed by the only one who won't criticize.

As a stepmom of four children, I have had the opportunity to conscienciously protect and encourage the child-like creativity in them over the past 10 years. The challenge now lies, however, in nuturing my own inner child towards creating...once again.

baby

my mother was told by
my pediatrician
to feed me
and that would
stop the crying